INT. UNIVERSITY MEETING ROOM 101B – LUNCHTIME
A circle of chairs. Hummus pots and eco-friendly bamboo forks rest precariously on knee-balanced lunchboxes. At the centre of the room: a flip chart bearing the words “Weekly Allyship Accountability Session.” Each person has a nameplate: “Riley (they/them),” “Morgan (xe/xem),” “Ashleigh (she/her),” “Jordan (he/they),” etc.—all white, all earnest, all laser-focused on achieving moral transcendence before dessert.
RILEY (they/them)
Right, so before we begin, let’s acknowledge that we’re meeting on the unceded land of the Wurundjeri Woi Wurrung peoples, and also on the metaphorical land of the marginalised identities we aspire to eventually approximate through research and skincare choices.
ASHLEIGH (she/her)
Hear, hear.
JORDAN (he/they)
I’ve brought vegan lentil cupcakes to symbolise collective resistance to dairy colonialism.
MORGAN (xe/xem) (suspiciously)
Are they nut-free? Because you know what happened last time.
ASHLEIGH (she/her) (nodding gravely)
Yes. Nut trauma is still valid trauma.
RILEY (they/them)
Before we move to our main agenda—“Deconstructing Internalised Micro-Colonialisms in Office Email Etiquette”—can I just raise a concern?
(Leans in, very seriously)
Someone sent around a meme yesterday... depicting two white people fighting with the caption “When your anti-racism group disagrees over whose turn it is to speak for the oppressed.”
(Gasps. Gasping is non-verbal currency here.)
ASHLEIGH (she/her)
Was it... ironic?
RILEY (they/them)
Even worse. Meta-ironic.
MORGAN (xe/xem)
Oh god. Meta-irony is just postmodern fascism.
JORDAN (he/they)
Can we talk about the harm it caused me? I had to go home and listen to a podcast on decoloniality while soaking in oat milk.
ASHLEIGH (she/her) (nodding furiously)
And you’re valid for that.
MORGAN (xe/xem)
Maybe we should ban all satire. It always punches down—even when it’s punching up.
RILEY (they/them)
Agreed. Satire is epistemic violence disguised as wit. The only safe comedy is solemn repetition of progressive values.
JORDAN (he/they) (earnestly)
Like that stand-up we went to last week? The one who just read the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples out loud?
ASHLEIGH (she/her)
Yes! And so brave to do it without smiling.
[Sudden interruption: a meek-looking faculty member, PROFESSOR WILKINS (he/him), pokes his head in the door.]
PROFESSOR WILKINS (he/him)
Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to ask if we could move the chairs back when you're done?
(Everyone stares in horror. Silence. Riley rises.)
RILEY (they/them)
That was a tone. A command tone. You're exerting positional power while occupying cis-het whiteness.
MORGAN (xe/xem)
You’ve made this a hostile space.
ASHLEIGH (she/her)
Does anyone have the restorative justice ukulele?
END SCENE
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