Event Title: “Cosmic Funding: Grants in Alignment with the Heavens”
Location: The Observatory of Emergent Knowledge
Organised by:
-
The Astrological Ethics Committee
-
The Department of Nonlinear Research Timelines
-
The Bureau for Planetary Synchronisation
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE DEAN OF ASTROLOGICAL PROTOCOLS
“Traditional grant applications rely on metrics, budgets, and peer review.These are colonial constructs of space and time.Henceforth, all grant funding decisions will be guided by planetary retrogrades, moon phases, and astrologically determined auspicious alignments.”
ELIGIBILITY CRITERIA
-
Applicants must submit a natal chart alongside the research proposal.
-
Retrogrades in Mercury = excellent for humanities.
-
Venus conjunct Mars = highly favourable for interdisciplinary projects.
-
Saturn square Jupiter = perfect for projects requiring bureaucratic defiance.
APPLICATION PROCESS
-
Fill out the Celestial Grant Form™: includes sun sign, moon phase at conception of idea, and preferred colour of energy.
-
Align your submission with the current planetary configuration; late submissions are judged retroactively based on cosmic influence.
-
Each proposal is read by a Trio of Star-Oracles, who interpret methodology as metaphor and budget as astral intention.
GRANT REVIEW WORKSHOP
-
Applicants present their ideas while standing on zodiac tiles arranged on the floor.
-
Evaluators sprinkle essential oils to align chakras with research aims.
-
Feedback is delivered via celestial metaphor:
-
“Your experiment is a Scorpio rising—bold, but likely to sting your collaborators.”
-
“Consider the Moon in Pisces: your survey questions will float like ethereal jellyfish, unbound by rigid interpretation.”
-
FUNDING OUTCOMES
-
Amounts awarded determined by a combination of:
-
Moon-phase influence
-
Number of times a comet is observed passing
-
Intensity of auroral activity during proposal review
-
-
Successful applicants receive golden star stickers instead of conventional checks.
-
Grants are distributed via constellation-mapped envelopes, delivered by volunteers dressed as Saturn, Jupiter, and Pluto.
TESTIMONIAL: ZORA (they/fae)
“I submitted my research on urban sociology during a Mars retrograde.The oracle told me it was ‘perfectly chaotic’—and I received funding.My department is still trying to convert my stellar grant into a line-item budget.”
SLOGAN
“Why rely on peer review when the cosmos has already judged you?”
