DEEP DIVE
SCENE XVIII: THE GRADUATE STUDENT RITUAL OF “FOOTNOTE SUBMISSION BEFORE SLEEP”
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Each evening, PhD candidates must submit one footnote reflecting:
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positionality
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intersectional humility
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awareness of prior footnotes
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Submission requires:
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three reviewers,
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a timestamp verified by atomic clock,
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a mood survey confirming “ethical compliance.”
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Failure results in:
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A gently worded email at 2 am
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Mild existential anxiety
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Optional peer-led meditation on footnote ethics
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Student whisper:
“I think I dreamt a footnote last night. Was that pre-approved?”
SCENE XIX: DEPARTMENTAL ANNUAL RETREAT AS EXISTENTIAL MAZE
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Location: a “retreat centre” with 42 rooms, 3 hallways, and 1 lost agenda
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Attendees must navigate:
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The Hallway of Power Dynamics
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The Stairwell of Silent Judgement
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The Elevator of Procedural Loopholes
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Activities include:
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Icebreaker: Name your positionality in exactly 18 words
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Trust exercise: Walk backward while reciting committee mission statements
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Reflection circle: Interpret your own existential doubt as a measurable outcome
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Reward: participants find the lost agenda, only to discover it was never actually lost—it was always symbolic.
SCENE XX: THE ETHICS REVIEW OF COFFEE PROCUREMENT
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Problem: Faculty and students experience inconsistent caffeine availability
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Ethics Committee convenes to investigate:
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Origins of coffee beans
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Fair trade compliance
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Potential colonial implications of espresso machines
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Carbon footprint of cappuccino foam
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Recommendations:
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Coffee must be ethically sourced
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Coffee consumption to be logged and anonymised
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Coffee breaks to include a reflection circle on privilege
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All lattes must carry a footnote acknowledging the historical labour of coffee farmers
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Outcome:
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No one drinks coffee for three weeks
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Energy levels drop sharply
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An urgent subcommittee is formed: The Emergency Caffeine Task Force
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SCENE XXI: THE SEMI-ANNUAL “VIRTUE SIGNALLING AUDIT”
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Each faculty member is reviewed for:
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Tweets sent regarding climate justice
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Public attendance at protests
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Email signatures including pronouns
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Participation in cross-departmental social justice initiatives
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Metrics scored from 0–10 in categories:
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Performative empathy
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Ethical signalling
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Reflexive compliance
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Winners receive:
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A digital badge
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Permission to chair one additional committee
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Eternal bragging rights on Slack
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SCENE XXII: THE FINAL 4:59 PM EMAILS (TRILOGY CONCLUSION)
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The ritual persists:
“Reminder: All reflection logs, footnotes, subcommittee minutes, and ethical coffee evaluations are due by 5 pm.Non-compliance will result in escalated engagement procedures and possible additional committees.”
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Staff sigh.
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PhD students nod.
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Administrators nod louder.
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Somewhere, an idea tries to escape, but is intercepted by:
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A timestamp verification
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Three levels of ethical review
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A reflective circle on emergent knowledge
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“It is another day well-administered,” murmurs the Chair, as the email is automatically sent to all inboxes.
EPILOGUE: THE UNIVERSITY OF OPTIMISED COMPLIANCE (ULTIMATE)
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Bureaucracy reigns supreme
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Innovation survives only in abstracts
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Virtue signalling is codified as service
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Coffee exists, but only with ethical footnotes
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Genuine curiosity is politely escorted through the Ethics Review Maze
And yet, miraculously, someone somewhere still learns something—though they must first fill out a Learning Permission Form, submit a Reflection Pre-Approval, and circulate three copies of a meta-abstract before the knowledge is formally recognised.
