🎠THE TRIAL OF ACTUALLY ALAN
A Dramatic Tribunal of the Modal Adjuncts
SCENE:
A dimly lit grammar hall. A long table sits beneath a banner reading "The Modal Adjuncts: It Depends." Seated are the high council: Probably Phil, Possibly Pauline, Surely Susan, and the stenographer, Marginally Mike, who’s taking minutes in pencil, just in case.
ENTER: ACTUALLY ALAN
Wearing a suit made entirely of italics. He strides in and immediately corrects the pronunciation of “adjunct.”
ACT I: The Indictment
Surely Susan (Chairperson):
"Alan, you stand before this council charged with egregious certainty. You used ‘actually’ in a sentence three times in a single tweet. How do you plead?"
Actually Alan (defiant):
"Factually. Indisputably. Correctly."
(Gasps from the council. Phil faints into a hedge of hypotheticals.)
ACT II: The Evidence
Possibly Pauline:
"I present Exhibit A: an op-ed by Alan entitled 'Everyone Is Wrong But Me.'"
Actually Alan:
"I was right."
Surely Susan:
"Objection! To yourself?"
Actually Alan:
"Overruled. By me."
Marginally Mike (timidly):
“I wrote ‘allegedly overruled’ in the minutes.”
ACT III: The Defence
Actually Alan:
"My fellow adjuncts, hear me out. Uncertainty has its place, sure. But what of conviction? What of clarity? Without me, no one ever finishes a sentence!"
Probably Phil:
"Finishing is overrated. It’s likely better to trail off..."
Actually Alan:
"You need me. I bring contrast. Without me, you're just one long shrug."
ACT IV: The Verdict
Surely Susan (deliberating):
"This is… complex."
Possibly Pauline:
"I'm… open to possibilities."
Probably Phil:
“Could go either way.”
Marginally Mike (reads from scribbled parchment):
“The Council finds Actually Alan… conditionally reinstated, pending a probationary period in which he must replace ‘actually’ with ‘arguably’ at least 40% of the time.”
Actually Alan (sighs):
“Fine. Technically acceptable.”
CURTAIN FALLS
(Audience claps ambiguously.)
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