FURTHER MISADVENTURES IN ADMINISTRATIVE EXCELLENCE
SCENE VIII: THE ETHICS REVIEW OLYMPICS
Every department competes to demonstrate procedural rigour.
Events include:
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The Consent Form Sprint – who can circulate a 17-page consent form, collect signatures, and file it in triplicate first?
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The Conflict-of-Interest Hurdles – leap over any personal, professional, or ethical conflicts without touching the floor.
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The IRB Triathlon – proposal drafting, minor revisions, and self-flagellation on methodology all before lunch.
Winner receives:
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A certificate of “Performative Ethical Excellence”
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A voucher for one extra committee of your choice
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Eternal peer recognition for procedural virtuosity
SCENE IX: DEPARTMENTAL POWER STRUGGLES (DISGUISED AS MENTORSHIP)
Mentorship sessions are held to guide new academics toward authentic compliance.
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Each mentor must:
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Remind mentees of hierarchical structures, without implying hierarchy
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Evaluate their potential for publication, without stating expectations explicitly
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Give feedback, without giving feedback
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Mentees respond with:
“I feel supported, though unsure by what metric.”
Mentors nod gravely. The cycle continues.
SCENE X: THE GRADUATE STUDENT’S EMAIL QUEST
A PhD student must navigate interdepartmental email chains that are:
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18 threads deep
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Contain 72 attachments, 43 of which are redundant
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Include 7 subcommittees commenting on a document never intended to be read
Each email ends with:
“Please review at your earliest convenience (or whenever ethical engagement permits).”
The student gains new skills in:
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Contextual anxiety management
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Decoding performative concern
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Formatting citations in quadruple-checked compliance style
SCENE XI: THE TEACHING EXCELLENCE PERFORMANCE ART
Lecturers submit “evidence of teaching excellence” as:
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Videos of themselves nodding thoughtfully while students speak
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Annotated rubrics on rubrics
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Graphs showing engagement without revealing actual engagement
Student evaluations are read aloud, line by line, at a committee gala, with applause only allowed when a metric aligns perfectly with departmental KPIs.
SCENE XII: THE DEPARTMENTAL RETREAT
Held in a room with:
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Ergonomic chairs
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Whiteboards for conflict resolution
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A suggestion box for procedural anomalies
Activities include:
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Icebreaker: Share Your Stress – participants are graded on vulnerability
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Trust Exercise: Approve Without Question – a test of passive compliance
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Closing Circle: Reflect on Reflection – followed by an email summarising all reflections, to be reviewed by a committee
Retreat is universally declared transformative, despite no one remembering what changed.
FINAL SCENE: THE EMAILS AT 4:59 PM
The day closes as usual:
“Reminder: Please submit:
Progress reports
Emotional labour logs
Evidence of ethical awareness
Minutes of informal hallway discussions
Failure to submit constitutes a minor procedural infraction.”
All sigh. All comply. Some smile faintly.
“It’s another day well-administered,” says the Chair.
And somewhere, buried beneath paperwork, a genuine idea tries to escape. It is politely reminded: submit first, innovate later.
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