THE LAUNCH OF THE “DECOLONISED EMOTION TAXONOMY”

Event Title: “Feelings Without Frontiers: Reclaiming the Sentient Self from Euroaffective Supremacy”

Location: The FeelTank Auditorium (formerly Lecture Theatre 3B)

Sponsored by: The Office for Radical Empathics, the Faculty of Emotional Infrastructure, and Spotify Premium

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Opening Speaker: Dr. Azaria Flux (they/spiral), Professor of Post-Sentimental Semiotics

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DR. AZARIA FLUX (they/spiral) takes the stage:

Welcome, soul-cousins. We gather here today not to name emotions, but to liberate them—from the colonial grip of Enlightenment-era psychologists and 1990s Pixar films.

Today we launch the Decolonised Emotion Taxonomy—or DET. Not to be confused with DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual), which is, frankly, epistemological biopower with footnotes.

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A SLIDE APPEARS: “TRADITIONAL EMOTION LABELS VS. DECOLONISED FEELING STATES”

Colonial Term	DET Replacement	Notes
Anger	Sacred Boundary Energy	Never “manage”—only channel
Sadness	Deep Ancestral Murmuration	Honour it with floor-based weeping
Happiness	Capitalist Glow	Suspicious unless communal
Anxiety	Systemic Reverberation	Often caused by group projects
Pride	Performative Inner Imperialism	Only valid when declared collectively
Shame	Unprocessed Normativity Residue	Requires immediate circle-based singing
Joy	Temporary Liberation Surge	Must be intersectionally justified

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DR. FLUX CONTINUES:

No longer will we say “I’m feeling sad.” Instead, we might say:

“I am visited by the whisper of my grandmother’s unrealised potential, filtered through late-stage capitalism’s tempo.”

Or, instead of “I’m anxious,” we say:

“I’m vibrating at a frequency disallowed by colonial time structures.”

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Q&A SESSION

STUDENT #1 (he/they)

Dr. Flux, where does boredom fit in this new framework?

DR. FLUX

Ah yes. Boredom is reclassified as “Narrative Dislocation from Self-Assigned Purpose.” It is a call to decentre the present moment and rewild your attention span.

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STUDENT #2 (she/her)

I’ve been experiencing something that feels like rage but also artisanal? Is there a term for that?

DR. FLUX

Yes. That’s “Locally-Sourced Fury.” It’s valid when directed upward, never sideways.

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STUDENT #3 (xe/xem)

Is there a replacement for “jealousy”?

DR. FLUX

Of course. Jealousy is just “Comparative Wounding via Neoliberal Scarcity Optics.” To treat it, simply attend a 12-week eye-gazing retreat where everyone validates your exact desires on loop.

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CLOSING RITUAL: EMOTIONAL UNNAMING CEREMONY

Each attendee receives a hand-carved stone inscribed with the name of their most colonial emotion. They are then invited to cast it into a “Pool of Fluid Identity” (a refurbished fountain with seaweed and ambient whale noises), symbolising the shedding of affective categorisation.

ASHLEIGH (she/her) (throws in “guilt”)

Goodbye, internalised Catholicism!

JORDAN (he/they) (throws in “happiness”)

You were always suspiciously individualistic.

MORGAN (xe/xem) (throws in “emotion”)

I transcend the whole premise.