Committee for Satirical Harm Minimisation

Let us now descend deeper into the performative labyrinth—where power is denied while being meticulously wielded, where disagreement is violence, and where feelings outrank facts, unless the facts are on-brand. Here's an email exchange followed by a disciplinary hearing transcript, complete with escalating sanctimony.

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1. FOLLOW-UP EMAIL

Subject: ✨Important Debrief: Today's Allyship Accountability Circle✨

From: Riley (they/them)

To: CISH Core Team

CC: Inclusive Practices Liaison, Decolonial Gardening Collective

BCC: Title IX Preemptive Strike Unit

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Dear All,

Thank you for today’s powerful and triggering circle. While it was deeply healing, it also exposed some uncomfortable truths—specifically the presence of ironic energy in our safe space.

As Morgan (xe/xem) pointed out with great bravery, meta-irony is an instrument of late-capitalist hegemony. I regret not speaking up earlier when Jordan’s lentil cupcakes lacked a land acknowledgment on the wrapper. I will be unpacking that silence for some time.

Moving forward:

1. All food contributions must come with positionality statements.

2. No more memes, even if they’re “about” anti-meme culture.

3. Satire is now listed under ‘soft micro-aggressions with hard edges’.

4. We are convening a Truth and Consequences Committee to assess Professor Wilkins’ tone. His use of declarative mood was deeply felt.

In solidarity and trembling vigilance,

Riley (they/them)

Acting Co-Deputy of Radical Humility

Critical Inclusion Synergy Hub (CISH)

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2. EXCERPT FROM A DISCIPLINARY HEARING TRANSCRIPT

Case: The People vs. Satirical Intent

Location: Office of Emotional Safety & Applied Inclusivity

Chairing Officer: Dr. Harper-Sage (they/she/also periodically they/xhe)

Respondent: Professor Wilkins (he/him)

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DR. HARPER-SAGE:

Professor Wilkins, thank you for appearing today. Please note this is not a disciplinary hearing, but a discomfort acknowledgment session with punitive potential.

PROFESSOR WILKINS:

I was told this was just about moving some chairs.

DR. HARPER-SAGE:

And yet the way you requested it moved chairs inside people’s souls. Your tone has been described as assertive, decisive, and—by one witness—tall-sounding.

PROFESSOR WILKINS:

I’m… sorry? I only meant to—

DR. HARPER-SAGE:

Intent is a colonial construct. We are interested only in impact, and its potential to ripple harmfully through networks of imagined subjectivities.

(Professor Wilkins begins to sweat.)

DR. HARPER-SAGE:

We’ve also reviewed your syllabi. On Week 7, you include Swift, Jonathan. Satire. Problematic?

PROFESSOR WILKINS:

It’s A Modest Proposal.

DR. HARPER-SAGE:

Yes. Cannibalism. Class mockery. No trigger warning. We spoke to a student who said they felt “jolted.” That jolt was a microaggression.

PROFESSOR WILKINS:

It’s from 1729!

DR. HARPER-SAGE:

Historical distance is no excuse. We operate on emotional proximity. For many students, the 18th century just feels unsafe.

PROFESSOR WILKINS:

What would you prefer I teach?

DR. HARPER-SAGE:

We recommend “Narratives of Discomfort: Listening to Marginalised Furniture.” It’s a cross-listed course in English and Ergonomics. Room 101B will become available after your retirement.

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3. BONUS: POSTER FOR THE NEXT WORKSHOP

🔥 Coming Soon: "How to Be Humble Loudly" 🔥

Performative Vulnerability for Early-Career Academics

Facilitator: Jordan (he/they), PhD(c) in Anticolonial Breathwork

Topics include:

• Curating your trauma for maximum impact

• Advanced cringe avoidance: the performative tightrope

• How to apologise for things you're not responsible for—and mean it performatively

Free vegan muffins provided (if your identity justifies it).