1. THE HOLIDAY EMAIL
Subject line:
Re: Re: Re: End-of-Year Pause (Formerly “Christmas”)
The Vice-Chancellor writes:
As we approach the season previously known as Christmas,we wish to acknowledge the diversity of temporal, spiritual, and seasonal experiences present within our community.Accordingly, the University will observe a Festive Pause, recognising:
winter (where applicable)
summer (where applicable)
non-linear experiences of time
and those for whom December is simply “late capitalism, but colder”.
Staff are reminded that:
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Saying “Merry Christmas” is not prohibited, but strongly contextualised.
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Saying “Happy Holidays” is preferred.
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Saying nothing is safest.
2. THE INCLUSIVE TREE INCIDENT
A Christmas tree appears in the foyer.
Within 30 minutes:
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A working group is formed.
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The tree is reclassified as a Coniferous Seasonal Installation.
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Baubles are replaced with neutral, non-representational spheres.
A placard explains:
This installation is not a tree.It is a gesture toward verticality.
Someone asks why it is still star-shaped at the top.
The star is removed and replaced with a polyhedron.
3. THE GIFT EXCHANGE
The department agrees to a “Non-Mandatory, Non-Reciprocal, Non-Material Gift Moment.”
Gifts include:
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A donation made on your behalf to an organisation you’ve never heard of
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A book no one has read but everyone has cited
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A card that says:
“In lieu of joy, please accept this acknowledgement.”
One person accidentally brings chocolates.
They apologise.
4. THE END-OF-YEAR PARTY
Renamed:
The Gathering of Persisting Colleagues
Music is played at a volume that allows:
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conversation
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reflection
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and immediate withdrawal if overstimulated
Alcohol is available, but:
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wine is labelled “fermented grape narrative”
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beer is “grain-based conviviality”
Someone suggests a toast.
A debate ensues about whether toasting implies hierarchy.
Eventually, everyone raises their glasses sideways, in solidarity.
5. THE SECRET SANTA SCANDAL
Secret Santa is cancelled after it is noted that:
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secrecy is epistemically violent
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surprise reproduces power asymmetries
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and Santa himself has unresolved issues around labour, surveillance, and borders
It is replaced with:
Transparent Seasonal Redistribution Circle
6. BETWEEN CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR
This period is officially designated:
The Liminal Administrative Void
Auto-replies read:
I am currently resting, reflecting, or resisting.I will respond when time feels appropriate.
7. NEW YEAR’S EVE
Countdowns are discouraged for being:
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teleological
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linear
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and exclusionary to those not ready for change
Instead, the year is gently released.
At midnight:
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no one cheers
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no one claps
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a single facilitator whispers:
“Let us acknowledge the year, without demanding transformation.”
Fireworks are replaced by a moment of ethically complex silence.
8. THE NEW YEAR MESSAGE
January 1st, 9:04 am.
An email arrives:
As we enter the new calendar year (for those who recognise it),we encourage you to set intentions rather than goals,aspirations rather than plans,and feelings rather than expectations.Please remember:growth is optional,productivity is contextual,and rest is a form of resistance (unless it interferes with KPIs).
And so the year ended—not with a bang, but with a carefully facilitated acknowledgement,fully minuted, inclusively framed,and postponed until the new year for further consultation.